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kiyala in deviant_moms


Hi mums!

This is your token not-mother a curious person with a question (or several) about adoption and figured this would be the best place to ask it.

My parents wanted to adopt when I was a baby, but never got over their reservations to actually do it. I want to adopt at some point myself, and I got into a small argument with them the other day over their reasons not to (which made me feel guilty in the end :( but oh well.)

So. Perhaps you have adopted children. Perhaps you never even entertained the thought of adopting. But humour me for a second here.

If you were to adopt...

1. Would you adopt a baby or a slightly older child?
2. Would you choose a child of the same race as yours (so they wouldn't feel out of place, etc.)?
3. Would you let them know they were adopted, or would you tell them "when the time is right" (and if so... how would you judge when the time IS right?)
4. Would you adopt an orphan, or somebody who still had family somewhere?
5. Would you adopt if you had a child of your own?

1. A baby who is too young to know what's going on
2. Same race
3. Wait until the time is right
4. A baby with no family at all
5. Yes

Me... keeping in mind that I'm probably nowhere near mature enough to care for children at all >__>;;
1. A child who understands that they're an orphan. I think it's important that they actually choose themselves to stay with me, rather than just going "OH YES I'M A RESPONSIBLE ADULT AND CAN MAKE THIS DECISION THAT WILL AFFECT THE REST OF THEIR LIVES"
2. It doesn't matter to me.
3. I'd like to have them know from the outset.
4. It doesn't matter
5. I have no desire to have children of my own, so... no. The world has enough kids without me needing to add my own spawn to the count.

Thoughts? Discussion? :3


This is a really good question. I'm not adopted nor have I ever adopted a child myself but I have a number of friends who are either adopted themselves or have a adopted one or more children. %95 of them have been very good, healthy relationships and in all cases the kids knew they were adopted from early on. Of course if they didn't know they were adopted then I wouldn't have either, lol.

Many of my friends that are adopted have looked for and found their biological parents but just as many don't care. Some grew up knowing who there bio parents were all along.

The single most telling factor of the happiness/successfulness of any adopted individual I've encountered is the quality of the actual parenting. Is the child loved and wanted for itself? I've know of two situations where this wasn't the case and in both the kids developed major emotional issues. In one the parents were fundies who thought they were "saving some poor heathen soul." and in another the parents were hippies and while totally liberal, basically had the same attitude. So from what I can tell, adoption shouldn't be about ideology, it should simply be about love.

Now I have LOTS of friends and neighbors who have adopted and I have to say the process is arduous. It takes massive patience and commitment. Most of the people I know have had to travel or even completely relocate for a period of time in order to be close to birth mother or foster family until the legal situation was complete. One woman I know even had the baby taken back because certain papers weren't filled out properly! So yeah, it's not a cakewalk.
Ahh, adopting just because it makes you a good person definitely does not sound like a good idea x__x When I did developmental psych at uni, we had a look at the way parenting can really influence a child's personality and even though we didn't look at adopted children, I can only imagine that it'd be equally important, if not more so.

Wow, I haven't researched up on the adoption process much (or... at all) so I had the naive belief that it was a lot easier than you describe. Having the baby taken back due to papers not being filled properly must be terrible :/ But thanks for all this information! It's really useful and interesting.
Well, I am adopted and so is my younger sister (we're not blood related, however). To be honest, if I were considering adoption I would look at an infant, not an older child. The older the child the more likely there will be problems from their earlier upbringing that will be impossible to overcome. Even infants come with their own set of problems...I know I did, anyway.

Race would not matter to me, but I would be very wary of any child who still had family attached. Raising a child is hard enough, without having to consider the wishes of the family that dumped it in the first place!

IMHO, the child must be told about their unique birth status from the beginning. I do not remember a time when I did not know I was adopted. This is not something to spring on a child at some undetermined age.

You're young, so I can understand why you might not feel like you want your own children. However, I would wait until you're married before giving up on the idea completely. The biological imperative to propagate is very strong, and I wouldn't be surprised if you feel it somewhere down the road.

Raising someone else's children doesn't make one a saint...far from it! Too many adoptive parents are "on a mission" as was described above. Anywhoo, I'll start ranting if I don't shut up now, so I will.
The older the child the more likely there will be problems from their earlier upbringing that will be impossible to overcome.

Ah, I didn't think of that! I suppose that would be something to consider... though I guess I wouldn't be needing to consider these things for a while yet ^^;

Haha, my mum's saying the same thing about the biological desire to have children. She's kind of going through it herself at the moment. I'm seriously way too young to be thinking about these things though xD
I'm obviously not a mom, but I'll comment anyway.

I agree with you for the most part, except that I'd be fine with adopting either a baby or a kid.

Since I lean towards adopting children of various ethnicities, it would be pointless to try to hide their adopted status. =)

Edited at 2008-11-04 02:58 am (UTC)
Haha, I remember watching Snow Dogs, in which Cuba Gooding Jr.'s character was adpoted by white parents and when they told him he was adopted, he was all OMGWTFBBQ. I can't help thinking of that every time I think of someone not telling their kid that they're actually adopted xDD

Adopting children of different ethnicities has its pros and cons for me, I guess. I mean, I doubt that I would adopt a child of my own race, but I can also see how that would serve to make the child feel even more out of place. Especially in a family that has a biological child as well. I've been thinking about this ever since my mum told me that she had wanted to adopt after she had me... and I can imagine that being in a family of four where the other three people all look similar would really make the adopted child feel left out, but at the same time... the way my mum wanted to adopt an Indian child and only tell them later that they were adopted... kind of feels like lying to me.
Hey, I was just thinking about how ded this comm is *snerk*

1.I would rather adopt a non-baby. Babies are exhausting, dammit, and I like when people can talk to me. I think that even young babies can have psychological issues, though they'd be deep-seated and pretty foggy in origin. For any kid, it's important to understand their backgrounds and temperaments before deciding to step in and be their parent.

2. It really wouldn't matter to me. HOWEVER, I think that raising a kid of a different race means that I need to be sensitive to how that kid will be perceived by the outside community. For example, if I adopted a black kid, they will likely get pulled over as adults for "driving while black" - I would be hugely irresponsible if I didn't have a few sit-down talks with them about how the world has some stupid parts, and how to navigate those stupid parts.

3. This would depend on the kid. I have a policy of telling rugrats the truth, so depending on if they asked the question... Now, I might not tell them every single detail ("oh yeah, see, your mom was a cracked-up hooker and you'd probably die in the gutter if 911 didn't come, but hey! you're here now - want some pie?" probably isn't the best talk to give a 4 year old...), but I would never make up a story, either.

4. That's tough. I don't know if it's true, but I'm willing to bet there are more kids in foster care who aren't orphans than those who are, and it's unfair to rule out all of those whose living parents gave them up. I think it would depend on the individual situation. If there is someone out there who will contest my guardianship, and is actually qualified to raise the child, it may be wrong for me to step in, you know?

5. Yeah, I would. But I don't know if I'd adopt a kid who was older than mine, just because I can see that REALLY fucking up the birth order and disrupting the Force and all that.
kicking cop

March 2010

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